classic mixup
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.