My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.