Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
This is my cat’s medicine.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me