Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
my nickname in college
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.