My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
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Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
(True)
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first