When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
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Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.