Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.