Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down