god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*