Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting