me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.