My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
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*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
nyc:
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.