GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing