Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive