Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The honesty is refreshing
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
sleeping beauty
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′