Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
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Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.