Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
There’s never enough good news
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.