Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.