Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
me and my fake scenarios