Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Time for evil
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.