Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam