Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
You Might Also Like
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Well, that didn’t work.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track