Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
You Might Also Like
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
#gardening
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂