Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
This one’s “Alex”.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
new shirt idea
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
first you must answer his riddles
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.