There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
You Might Also Like
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Forever 21… pounds overweight
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.