Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
You Might Also Like
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
@funTweeters
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep