First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Muppet Screams
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
plums roundup
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim