The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper