The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.