FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
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parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.