“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
How software testing works