Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
#growingpains
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK