can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
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I just ran a .003048K
This trial is so absurd 😭
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.