If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
You Might Also Like
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button