Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
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y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Body by cheese-puffs.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
thinking about a very short hotdog
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
The pen is writier than the sword.
Is….Is this an option?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.