I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
this has to be peak English
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Important reminders
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.