I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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Venn
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE