*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
i will not be silenced
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?