I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Midwest trash talk
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die