Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.