you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
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I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: Iām gonna need you to try.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Youāre clearly insane. Ok, Iāll give you twelve more chances
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like āWOW! Look at you. Youāre dressed.ā
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if Iām wrong but I donāt think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: whatās wrong with these clothes?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But itās Sunday…and youāre 32.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate usš¤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didnāt wanna cancel
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
āI may have to take you up on that,ā I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: Iāve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: Youāre hungry
Me: something has changed, inside Iām filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called āworkā
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…