Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The internet is magic sometimes.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!