Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
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It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Before & after 😅
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
2022 be like
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?