“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
#FunnyLife Insects
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Day 2 of my diet
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best