CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
You Might Also Like
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?