her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.