An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
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If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”