At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.