[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Cinematography is my passion
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed