Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
There’s never enough good news
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*